But what of the imminent Beijing games? My son Dylan comes up with an idea that would 'acclimatise' the British team perfectly for performing in the Chinese capital.

Let them train overnight in the Tyne Tunnel, he says. The tunnel could be closed between 2am and 6am for the next few weeks, allowing the athletes to do the necessary running, jumping and stretching.

The deep inhalation of the tunnel's toxic air would rapidly see those young lungs adapting to Beijing conditions. Imagine – 200 athletes wheezing and rasping through the carbon monoxide fug! Such acclimatisation would result in our medals toll increasing significantly!

The bad news is we'd have to listen increasingly to our interminably dull National Anthem.

It's time these jingoistic National Anthems were replaced in the medal ceremonies Winners could choose their own music – Bartok? Beach Boys? Big Bill Broonsy? – plus which, instead of the national flags, printed images of the winner's choice could be run up the flagpole.

So as they play the athlete's favourite music, there's the giant smiling face of his or her mum rising up before us, or even a photo of a huge raspberry ripple!

Meantime, I'm drawn to a letter in last week's News Guardian from prospective Tynemouth parliamentary candidate Wendy Morton, who claims the proposed public consultation over the planned closure of 2,500 post offices is a sham, and that the decisions have already been made.

Can such doubting of our great democratic traditions be justified?

Exclusively, your correspondent gives a preview of just how the public will be consulted, and how the response will be measured. We will be asked to fill in a questionnaire, and here it is.

1) Would you prefer the closure of your local post office to all your limbs being severed by a ferocious and mutant alien? YES/NO

2) Were you aware it's impossible to buy the following at your local post office (all of which can be bought online) (a) a new Renault Clio, (b) a take-away chicken biriani? (c) a new luxury apartment? YES/NO

3) Is it true that while the post office is closed after normal business hours, online transactions can be conducted any time, and are therefore more convenient? YES/NO

4) Is it not obvious that there is a much greater chance of catching a cold walking to the post office in a torrential downpour than from sitting down and switching on your computer to go on line? YES/NO

5) Is it not true that from the law of averages several people in a post office queue over any given period will suffer from halitosis, and therefore the risk of having bad breath inflicted on you is greater than sitting in front of a computer? YES/NO

6) Is it not true that in many cases, alternative outlets to post offices will be available, and that the five mile walk to such outlets dovetails perfectly with the government's aim to make us all fitter and healthier, and thereby greatly reduce the NHS budget and as a consequence, our taxes? YES/NO

7) Have you ever stood behind, and been highly annoyed by, a person in a post office queue who has no idea about their required form, and babbles endlessly to the assistant on such trivia as the regular lateness of the No. 93 bus? YES/NO

8) Did you realise that tripping up the step on entering a post office is a risk simply non-existent when sitting at a computer and going online? YES/NO

RESULTS

Every YES answer scores one million points. Every NO answer scores nothing. How to estimate your achievement:

10m points – Congratulations! You have carefully and intelligently echoed official government feeling, and thereby rendered this consultation process a success. Your completed form will be of great use when formulating policy.

7m - 10m points. You have failed to achieve the required number of correct answers, but still have enough faith in our policies for us to take your views into account.

0 - 7m points. You have singularly failed to respond in an intelligent and responsible manner and your questionnaire will be deemed to have been spoilt.

PETER MORTIMER