How balloons and a hungrier granny can help lessen the current fuel crisis
WITH petrol becoming as expensive as Moet Chandon, we are being urged to economise on fuel consumption.
This has only marginal relevance to me; I do occasionally ride in cars, but mainly can be seen whizzing around on a push-bike. Over the years the bike has played only a minor part in pushing up oil prices, (does that small tin of Three in One lubricant count?)
However I am aware of the addictive qualities which the internal combustion engine has; some motorists are unable to make the 150 yard journey to the corner shop without trundling out the ugly, gas-guzzling people's carrier (which, given the presence of the murderous bull bars on the front, should perhaps be known as the people's killer).
My favourite sight is an addicted driver struggling ten minutes to reverse into a tiny parking spot while a short walk distant is a second slot the length of an Atlantic liner. We're all doomed unless we wean ourselves off oil, and one school of thought says the sooner it's 100 a litre the better.
Meantime, being a charitable sort of chap, I offer Mortimer's unique Guide to Fuel Economy which might just lighten the load, shave off a fraction of the oil companies' twenty zillion pounds profits, and reduce pollution.
1) If you're thinking of transporting your grandmother anywhere, ask her to have only a light snack in the two hours prior to departure. At all costs encourage her to resist cheese and potato pie, spotted dick and custard, or large portions of chocolate cake.
2) If you're a golfer, remember the weight of those clubs in the boot adds considerably to petrol consumption. As one writer put it, a game of golf is simply a good walk wasted, so give it up and become a bird watcher.
3) Carrying overweight relatives on the roof rack increases wind resistance and therefore petrol consumption.
4) Try to make all car journeys downhill. Often this will mean there is no need to start the engine at all, and you can simply coast to your destination. Of course, a simple law of science states that overall as many journeys must be uphill as downhill. To combat this, once you've done the downhill part, sell the car.
5) Offer to help your local tug-of-war team get fit by allowing them to pull your car to your place of work every day and – should they really be keen – pulling it back in the evening. You can sit in the driver's seat with the window wound down shouting such encouragement as "heave ho!" or "that's the spirit!"
6) Fill a giant helium balloon in the back seat. Helium is lighter than air, and therefore the vehicle will be lighter, more efficient. Avoid too large a balloon or your car may end up half way to the moon.
7) Remove all four wheels. This has been shown to have a remarkable effect on fuel consumption. One satisfied customer said "since removing the wheels, it's quite astonishing how much money I've saved."
8) On alternate days go to work on a horse. Several enlightened employers are now offering stable facilities, free hay and a stiff brush. You can sell the manure to the growing number of allotment holders. Plus which, the sight of a line of horses moving up towards Billy Mill roundabout is more attractive and romantic than a nose-to-tail traffic jam.
9) Buy a smaller car. My own recommendation is a Dinkey.
10) Decide only ever to use reverse gear. You will soon find most journeys far too hazardous, tedious and slow, and the stiff neck will persuade you to seek alternative means of transport.
I realise how traumatic the reduction in car usage can be for the average motorist. Deprived of their vehicle for even a single day some drivers suffer a shortage of breath, disorientation, and a desire to shout out garbled Lloyd Webber lyrics. A few have even been known to eat their key fob. Government rehabilitation clinics must be set up to help the adjustment, and reduce the addiction. But one small request – do try to use public transport to get to them.
PETER MORTIMER
Email to a friend
Print this page
Looking for...
Featured advertisers
Jobs
Search for a job
Motors
Search for a car
Property
Search for a house
Weather for Whitley Bay
Thursday 24 May 2012
Today
Sunny
Temperature: 10 C to 23 C
Wind Speed: 16 mph
Wind direction: North east
Tomorrow
Sunny
Temperature: 8 C to 19 C
Wind Speed: 12 mph
Wind direction: East
