COMPLAINTS: Is this really so wrong?

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People see the world from their own point of view. This is why it is often difficult for individuals to see that they are wrong or realise they are bad, or even evil.

So I am writing to thank all those News Guardian letter writers who have enabled me, over the past year or so, to understand and acknowledge how venomously maleficent I really am.

How am I so wicked?

Well, firstly, I own a dog, which I’ve trained to poop where you walk, knock you over when you jog and eat your little children.

Secondly, I have a cat, which I send out on covert missions to destroy your flower beds and scare your pet budgies.

And finally, I am a cyclist who deems to cycle on your roads. Admittedly, I produce no toxic emissions and reduce the burden on the NHS by getting fit, but I do sometimes delay you by anything up to 15 seconds from getting home.

So to all these people, I feel truly sorry.

Name and address supplied