Yes, instead of having our house re-roofed for £4,000, we're going to rebuild the whole house for £100,000. Sorry, did I say £100,000 – I meant £1,000,000 – I can never quite count those noughts.
But it's worth it, because our new home will have
low energy light bulbs and not one but two new home computers. Oh, and a new kitchen.
We won't actually own our new home, but the man who sold it to us explained that's better.
He said there is this new system where we pay the mortgage, just as if it was our own home, but at the end of our mortgage, it will belong to somebody else. He said that was the modern way to do things – he said it was more tax efficient, and this way we don't have to pay for repairs or upkeep, so obviously we're getting quite a bargain.
We're getting all new furniture and carpets too. Of course, we can't change the furniture or the carpets – the property company owns that, and they get to choose what we have in our house. Well, actually they also get to have say over what we do in our house, but that doesn't matter, does it?
When I said that thing about 'we pay the mortgage', actually, I meant 'you', because actually, we are getting everybody else to pay for our new house – that's what makes it such a bargain. That's why I don't care how much it costs. Brilliant, isn't it!
What do you mean you've never heard anything so stupid in all your life? You ought to get out a bit more!
Look at that new Monkseaton High School – it's just the same deal. £20.3million for roughly 30 classrooms – that's just over half-a-million a classroom.
Here's how I know that that's a great deal for all of us – because the people who thought of it are experts.
Gordon Brown thought this one up (or was it Mussolini?) Don't you know Gordon Brown saved the world from financial crisis recently – he told us so, himself!
What do you mean it can't be honest? Don't you know that this whole system has been gone over again and again by teams of auditors, from the National Audit and the Audit Commission for local government – if there was something wrong, don't you think they would have alerted us?
Time and again they have found this method is 'best value'. If you can't trust their advice, what's the point in employing them, at such high salaries?
Don't you know that Britain has the best system of financial regulation and control in the world? That's why Britain has been free of the financial crisis that has been affecting other countries.
And if it wasn't a good idea, why do you think North Tyneside Council would be planning to rebuild a whole load of other schools the same way – they're pretty financially hard-headed, those guys.
Anyway, I don't know why you should be so penny-pinching over money – don't you think that new school looks great? Surely that makes it all worthwhile.
We shouldn't quibble needlessly, and look at stupid, little, irrelevant details about cost, ownership and control. We would spend anything to give our kids the best – that's all that matters!
HEATHER McDOUGALL
Cullercoats.
