RICHARD ORD: Not all heroes wear capes... but some need breath mints

Shortly after listening to the news of the turmoil in Afghanistan, the radio had a sharp change in direction to reveal that turtles breathe through their backsides.

Wednesday, 18th August 2021, 12:00 am
Not teenage, not mutant, but you wouldn't believe what a party trick this turtle has.

That, I thought, probably explains why the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are all single. Bad breath has always been a stumbling block to relationship building, but turtles take that mating issue to a new level.

Unless Domestos moves into the mouthwash business, those teen turtles may well end up as single Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles. I guess that’s the lot of the superhero, particularly those genetically intertwined with animals. You’ve got to take the pros with the cons.

Spider-Man for all his ability to fire webs to disable opponents or slingshot himself around skyscrapers presumably can’t escape that nagging fear at the back of his mind that his next girlfriend may well eat him after sex.

Bats, I discovered, can defecate out of their mouths. Which puts Batman in a close run race with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to the title of ‘Superhero you would least like to kiss’.

Of course, I appreciate that comic book aficionados will argue that, unlike Spider-Man, Batman is not the freak product of a mutation between human and animal. He’s just a rich man who dresses like a bat. A fair point, but who cares? They’re all made up anyway so I’m sticking with this. Catwoman was always seen as a bit of a love interest of Batman. I suspect this was based on a mutual agreement. She’d ignore his poo breath, and he’d turn a blind eye to her coughing up furballs.

Ant-Man too is not without problems. Yeah, he’s small, powerful and on the side of good. But his ant instinct towards slavery (some ants turn others into slaves) means he won’t be getting a statue on the street corner any time soon. But if you need a hill building, well Ant-Man is your, erm, man.

America is the birthplace of the fictional mutant superhero, but seems to be struggling to produce a real hero, or heroic effort, for the people of Afghanistan.

All eyes fall on Joe Biden. He may have a neck like a turtle but at the moment he’s failing to produce anything like the heroics of the Teenage Mutant variety. Quite the opposite in fact. They can breathe out of their backsides, Biden only talks out of his.